<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Wedding Night - Simaril Style by Simaril</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22647697">The Wedding Night - Simaril Style</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simaril/pseuds/Simaril'>Simaril</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Simaril Style [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad Sex, Crack, F/M, Inept Edward, One Shot, Parody</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 13:20:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,070</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22647697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simaril/pseuds/Simaril</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody of the Breaking Dawn wedding night. There will no fade to black, but you may find yourself wishing there was.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Edward Cullen/Bella Swan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Simaril Style [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629196</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Wedding Night - Simaril Style</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Kazakhstan?” I asked, raising my eyebrows when we reached the gate in Seattle.</p><p>“Umm yeah, I let Emmett arrange the flights and bless him he’s not the brightest crayon in the box,” Edward said looking slightly embarrassed. “I’ll see if I can rearrange our flights.”</p><p>He succeeded in changing our flights, all it took was a bit of dazzling and a quick peek at his abs.</p><p><em>Edward’s abs. Sigh</em> </p><p>Admittedly he couldn’t compete with Jacob but he did smell better. The combination of Jacob’s elevated temperature and aversion to deodorant made close contact with him a noxious experience.</p><p>I slept on the plane and was woken rather abruptly by Edward shaking my shoulder so violently my teeth chattered and bellowing “WAKEY WAKEY,”</p><p>“Australia?” I said rolling my eyes as I checked my boarding pass. “Emmett again?”</p><p>“Well no actually, this one was my mistake, I’ll go…”</p><p>“Seduce another airline employee?” I said irritated.</p><p>“Yep,” he flashed me his crooked grin and trotted off to violate the mind of another innocent.</p><p>He came back after a few minutes zipping his fly as he walked.</p><p>“Edward,” I said horrified. “You didn’t!”</p><p>“There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you Bella,” he said with an expression of devotion.</p><p>
  <em>Nitwit. </em>
</p><p>We arrived in Rio just as the sun was setting, which was convenient as my dufus husband hadn’t taken his tendency to glitter like a disco ball into account when planning our honeymoon.</p><p>We found a taxi and Edward chattered away in Portuguese to the driver as we travelled. I may not be an expert in linguistics but I knew enough to know that Edward has just enquired after the driver’s gastric health.</p><p>“Who is this moron?” the driver asked.</p><p>“My husband,” I said sadly.</p><p>“I pity you,” he said with feeling.</p><p><em>Me too, </em>I thought.</p><p>The taxi came to a stop at the docks and Edward handed a bill to the driver.</p><p>“Keep the change,” he said with a money-means-nothing-to-me smile.</p><p>“I would, you moron, but you just gave me the equivalent of fifty cents.”</p><p>I paid the fare, apologizing for Edward’s stupidity. “It’s not his fault, he was dropped as a baby. A lot.”</p><p>Edward led me over to an impressive looking speedboat. “What do you think?”</p><p>“It’s lovely,” I said admiringly.</p><p>“I know, I wanted to buy one but Carlisle wouldn’t let me. I borrowed this one from a fisherman instead,” he said pointing at a decrepit looking rowing boat. “It may leak a little but if you can plug the holes we should make it.”</p><p><em>Is it too late for an annulment? </em>I thought hopefully.</p><p>He climbed in gracefully and chuckled when I skidded on the slick dock and landed upside down on the seat.</p><p>“My clumsy Bella,” he said affectionately.</p><p>He rowed us away from the deck at a steady pace as I tried to plug the many holes in the boat with my hands. Once we were out of sight of the people on the deck – most of whom were pointing and laughing at us – he sped up.</p><p>"Are we going much farther?" I asked, after an hour of travel. I was not loving the motion of the sea and had already vomited over the side twice.</p><p>“We’re almost there, can you see it yet?”</p><p>I scanned the horizon and was able to make out a dense shape rising from the water.</p><p>“Isle Esme,” he said happily. “It was a gift from Carlisle, he had pissed Esme off by forgetting their seventy-seventh anniversary so he bought this. He tried to buy Hawaii but they were asking too much money.”</p><p>He rowed us to a small deck jutting out from the shore and grabbed my carry-on bag. “Can you grab that one for me?” he asked pointing to a huge steamer trunk.</p><p>I dragged the trunk up to the porch and waited while Edward grappled with the lock.</p><p>“I think you’re supposed to insert the pointy end into the hole,” I advised.</p><p>He stared at the keys confused so I took them from him and unlocked the door myself.</p><p>The interior of the house was familiar, very familiar. It was an exact replica of the Cullens’ Forks house. The same furniture, the same white on white décor. I had often wondered if Esme was color blind as I had yet to see any room she had decorated that varied from the pale color scheme. </p><p>"I was wondering,” Edward said slowly, "if... first... maybe you'd like to take a midnight swim with me?" He took a deep breath, and his voice was more at ease when he spoke again. "The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of. I tried to think of anything that would make this easier,” he said.</p><p>“Did you stock the kitchen?” I asked. “I’m kinda hungry.”</p><p>He slapped a hand to his forehead. “I knew I forgot something. I have those edible undies Alice gave me though, will they suffice?”</p><p>Oh joy, a dinner of kinky underwear, I owed Alice big for this.</p><p>“I’m sure you’d like a human moment first, you haven’t used the bathroom for a while now and you know it’s not good to hold it too long.”</p><p>Of all of Edward monitoring habits this was the worst, I’m pretty sure he kept a record of my ‘human moments’.</p><p>I did want a moment alone though, I was seriously considering pleading a headache and skipping the whole wedding night thing. I was pretty sure if we consummated our marriage I wouldn’t be able to get an annulment.</p><p>I headed to the bathroom and started the shower, stripping my clothes and standing in front of the mirror.</p><p><em>Need to shave my legs. </em>I thought distractedly, an unfortunate side effect of the Higginbotham genes was the extreme hair growth. At least I wasn’t as cursed as Renee, if she didn’t wax weekly she looked like an extra on <em>Planet of the Apes. </em></p><p>I stepped under the spray and immediately jumped back.</p><p>Holy shit that was cold!</p><p>“Bella, are you okay?” Edward called up the stairs.</p><p>“C-c-c-cold!” I said through my chattering teeth.</p><p>“Yes, I thought you would appreciate the cool water so I turned off the water heater.” <em>Idiot. </em>“I also laid out some undergarments for you to wear.”</p><p>“Thanks,” I replied testily.</p><p>I made quick work of my human needs and wrapped a towel around myself, walking into the bedroom.</p><p>
  <em>What the fuck!</em>
</p><p>On the bed was the ‘undergarments’ Edward expected me to wear. It was a pair of frilly bloomers that came down below the knees and what could only be described as a smock. It was frilly and horrendous and covered more flesh than I would expose in mid-winter.</p><p>Screw that! I wrapped the towel a little closer around me and thumped onto the bed, considering my options. I could go down to the water and finally get laid, dooming me to divorce or an eternity of frilly bloomers and stupidity. Or I could grab the row boat, make my way back to the city and join a convent. The convent idea was actually rather appealing but my hormones rebelled.</p><p>I was a hot blooded woman and Edward really did have a nice body. Screw it, I was going to get me some sex.</p><p>I walked out to the shore and saw Edward’s clothes folded neatly on the sand. OCD much? I couldn’t see him in the water but he had to be there, he promised for fuck’s sake. I dropped my towel and stepped into the water, enjoying the warmth, it wasn’t exactly a hot spring but it was at least warmer than the shower.</p><p>“Edward,” I said tentatively. “Where are you?”</p><p>He emerged from the water, spitting a mouthful of water and smacking his head to get the water out of his ears.</p><p>“I got water up my nose,” he said mournfully, “That’s really gro… Oh my stars! Bella you’re naked!”</p><p>He clapped his hands over his eyes and began gibbering. “Boobs…I saw… oh my… navel…”</p><p>“Edward, you need to calm down, take your hands off your eyes and man the fuck up!”</p><p>He removed his hands but kept his eyes squeezed shut. I huffed in irritation and he tentatively opened one eye.</p><p>“Boob,” he said stupidly.</p><p>“That’s boobs plural, dumbass,”</p><p>He opened his other eye and gazed transfixed at my chest. This was going to take a while if I left him to take the lead so I stepped closer and slid one hand down his stomach and under the water.</p><p>
  <em>Hang on! Where is it? </em>
</p><p>I looked down through the crystal clear water and searched for evidence of his gender. It was like a Where’s Waldo puzzle and when I finally spotted it I had to stifle a giggle.</p><p>No wonder he wanted me to marry him before he would allow me more than a glance at the abs. The poor thing was embarrassed, understandably embarrassed.</p><p>I gripped him delicately and he sucked in a breath. “Slow down, Bella, I won’t be able to last if you are so enthusiastic.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh dear Lord!</em>
</p><p>“Well if you’re having trouble why don’t we head into the house now, we will be more comfortable on the bed,” I suggested.</p><p>He nodded his agreement and swung me over his shoulder and all but ran to the house, throwing me on the bed where I bounced right off again and landed, once again, upside down.</p><p>“Ooh sorry,” he apologized, dragging me back onto the bed by my ankle. “So how do we do this?”</p><p>I closed my eyes and prayed for patience.</p><p>“Surely Carlisle explained the mechanics of this,” I said.</p><p>“Yes, he had diagrams and anatomically correct dolls. I meant how are we going to <em>do </em>this, do you want to be on top?”</p><p>
  <em>Why the hell not, it’s not like I’m going to feel a thing anyway. </em>
</p><p>I pushed him back against the pillows and straddled him. Trying to position him, it was a little like trying to aim a cocktail umbrella.</p><p>“Is it in?” he asked hopefully.</p><p>
  <em>How the hell would I know?</em>
</p><p>He seemed to think it was as he gripped my hips and rocked me back and forth.</p><p>“Oops, it popped out again!” he said ruefully, repositioning me. </p><p>I had the uneasy feeling we were being watched. That was impossible though, right?</p><p>He carried on grunting and thrusting and I mentally cataloged the contents of the room to keep myself entertained.</p><p>
  <em>Hmm, lovely armoire, that chair is nice, I wonder if there is a TV in here somewhere. </em>
</p><p>Suddenly a raucous laugh sounded outside the window and I looked around horrified. Standing outside with their noses pressed against the window was Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper. I could see the top of a spiky head of black hair, and realized Alice was out there too, but too short to see through the window.</p><p>“Go on my son!” Carlisle encouraged. “You can do it!”</p><p>I tumbled off of Edward and covered myself with a sheet.</p><p>“Hey, no fair!” Emmett complained. “It’s not like we haven’t already seen it.”</p><p>“Some of us more than others,” Alice chimed in from her place in the shrubbery. “Are you always that hairy?”</p><p>
  <em>That is it, I can deal with Mr. Pencil Dick, even with the fact he wants to nosh on my blood, but having a Cullen family outing on my honeymoon is fucked up. </em>
</p><p>“I’m sorry, Bella. I was concerned that I would not be able to control myself so I asked them to come. You were supposed to watch quietly though,” he said addressing the others.</p><p>I took a deep breath. “Edward, I want an annulment.”</p><p>“I hardly think <em>that </em>is appropriate, let’s stick with the traditional access shall we,” he said disapprovingly.</p><p>“Not <em>that</em> you halfwit, I want an ann-<em>ul</em>-ment.”</p><p>“That’s not fair,” he said shocked. “I did everything you asked.”</p><p>Enough of this shit! I grabbed the nail file from my purse and slid it across my wrist.</p><p>“Edward, dinner time,” I said happily.</p><p>He launched himself at me, his teeth sinking into my neck, the venom burning as it entered the blood stream.</p><p>“Carlisle, a little help here,” I said.</p><p>“Sorry Bella,” he said sternly. ”Edward is right, you had a deal.”</p><p>Edward was still attached to my neck gulping like a fat kid with a slushy.</p><p>
  <em>Oh shit!</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>